2026.

Assalamualaikum and hi :)

Last update was in 2024. First update after I moved to Sabah. I am still in Sabah, by the way. Probably a bit more accepting than I was before. So what do I have to say this time?

Well, I hope it’s still not too late to wish a Happy New Year :) Not sure if I have mentioned this before but after I turned 30, I don’t really feel good about new years and birthdays as how I was before. It feels like I am getting older and um, closer to death? It’s not a bad thing to be reminded of death or akhirah but I feel that I am left behind, I have not achieve what I’m supposed to by this time/age. I start looking back at where I was lacking, what have I done wrongly or questioning the decisions I have made in life that lead me to where I am now.

I don’t know if it’s just me? Or it’s a normal thing to go through in our 30s? :/

Anyway, I don’t mean to be so negative about the new year but here are a few things that I want to share about what I have learned last year.

1. To let go and let God.
If you know me well enough, you’d know I hated (still do but just lesser) having to come to Sabah. I cakap nak balik Semenanjung, nak quit, nak ditch everything macam zikir harian since I moved here. Paaaaaling susah nak terima. Almost everyday question why me, why Sabah, why everything lah. Through my whole life, I don’t think that I had this much difficulty to accept what Allah has written for me until this transfer happened. I’m still not sure if I have accepted it fully but I think I have learned to slowly accept it. It definitely got better but I think it’s a matter of time. However, that doesn’t mean I stop hoping to transfer back soon haha. Working on it, please pray for me, pretty please :’)

2. Giving one last chance.
I did MedEx for the 3rd time last year. Tak sangka segigih itu but I told myself that it’s gonna be my last attempt before I decide that this is not for me. I tried my best— had a proper study group this time, pushed myself a tiny bit more, stayed back after work, went back to the hospital at night for study sessions. Alhamdulillah, got a much better result this time. Had teary eyes when I saw my results though :’) So I took this as a sign to not quit just yet haha. So now we wait for my HLP result this time. If ada rezeki, please let me transfer back to Semenanjung hehe.

3. To not care too much about others.
As much as I don’t want to admit but I am a people pleaser. I care about what others think of me, sometimes a bit too much. While pleasing other people, I compromise my own wants and needs which I think is unhealthy, both physically and mentally. I don’t mean to be bad or anything like that but I learn to prioritize myself first before helping others. If I can help, I will but if I don’t, I won’t penalize myself for not being able to. To find balance between being too nice and being selfish. Not easy but will keep working on it.

4. If it’s meant to be, it will.
This is somewhat related to point number 1. Besides than my transfer to Sabah, I hated doing paeds when I first came here. I tried to ask for transfer to anaesth a few times until I was transferred to anaesth in March last year. Well, I have little to no hope about transferring as there must be enough MOs in paeds before I was allowed for transfer. One by one left the department and each time someone leaves, I was devastated, honestly. When it was my turn last year, I learned that it was probably the best time. Allah is indeed the best planner. There are a few things that I realised may make things worse if I were to transfer earlier but I will keep that to myself. So Alhamdulillah, I’m grateful that I am now back in anaesth :) There are also a few other things that I am waiting and praying for to come but till then, I will continue praying for with patience and may they happen at the right time with Allah’s grace and redha, insyaAllah.

5. Fixing relationship with my family.
My parents were divorced when I was in my 2nd year of degree. I would say both my parents have a very different parenting style. My dad is more open-minded, does not express love openly through words but rather through actions. Well, probably most dads are like that. He lets me do everything I want to or wherever I want to go but maybe it’s because I’ve never broken his trust before *coughwhatagoodkidIamcough* haha. Meanwhile, my mum is probably also a typical Malay mother who likes to know everything I do and everywhere I go anddd is very expressive. Being the rebellious me, I had a lot of fights with her *coughokaymaybenotaveryobedientdaughtercough*. Now that I am staying so far away from home, I try to fix my relationship with them every time I go back especially to be more patient with my mum and learn more about my dad. ANDDD to be more expressive and appreciative of them. Well, every time I go home, I noticed that they are really getting older— more of their hair turned grey, more wrinkles on their faces and more health complaints :( I keep on reminding myself that I must value both of them for as long as they are still healthy and more importantly still here for me whenever I need them. They are not perfect but they are the ones who raised me to who I am now. No words can tell how grateful I am for everything they have given me and sacrifices they have done all these while. They won’t read this but I love both of them so, so much. May Allah keep them safe while I’m away and bless them always, ameen.

Okay, I think that’s all for now. Gotta go sleep, I’m oncall tomorrow. Till next time and may 2026 be a better year for us all. Assalamualaikum and bye! xx


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