Wednesday, August 10, 2016

I Must Be Perfect

Salam & hi there.

I bought a novel entitled "Girl Online" recently and just started reading it. It's about a girl starting a blog anonymously to share what she feels with other people. The first post was about things that make her anxious. Those things are somewhat similar for me as well. So that triggers me to blog today and I'm going to talk about...


Not yours but mine. We probably share the same insecurities... especially if you're a girl. Eh girl lagi ke ni hahahaha biar ah. Or maybe even if you're a guy... it's okay. Insecurities is not gender biased. It hits everyone. EVERYONE.

I realized that as I grow up, I have more insecurities. There are so many things to feel insecure about. Kadang-kadang tu memang kita tak perasan pun yang kita insecure. Have you ever come across this situation where you see that someone has this special thing about himself/herself then you start checking for their flaws? Hahaha that's nasty, no? I do. Most of the time, takde niat buruk pun. Cuma macam dalam hati, "Eh dia ni takkanlah perfect sangat. Mesti ada kekurangan. Hm let's see" *pastu scan through satu-satu benda pasal dia hahaha* Some people may label that as jealousy. As for me, that is some sort of a defense mechanism so that your own self esteem does not goes down the hill very badly. Haha at least, that's true in my case.

It's not good to have a very low self esteem. I sometimes have very bad self esteem, there are times that I don't feel like I can do anything good. I don't have anything special - not pretty, not a genius, not admirable etc. It can be serious at times especially when it comes to my studies. Berapa ratus kali fikir nak putus asa je sebab tak confident. Nak present case ketaq, nak approach patient takut, nak masuk wad pun fikir banyak kali, nak tanya soalan tapi tak berani... 1001 problems, you name it.

Bila nak putus asa dengan studies pastu fikir what else can I do instead of being a doctor.

Hm...
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Orang kata tinggi, boleh la jadi model ke pramugari ke. Boleh kot. Maybe lagi senang daripada medschool. Hahahahaha lupa pulak diri sendiri ni pemalu dan self esteem yang low tadi tu. Ingat senang nak feeling cantik depan kamera? Nak posing depan photographer? Photographer yang tak kenal pulak tu? Eh jap... cantik ke? Cukup cantik ke? Hidung dah la tak mancung, pipi tembam pulak tu. Nak kata kurus pun takde la kurus sangat. Model kena la kurus. Photogenic ke? Kalau selfie tu beratus amik, adjust angle konon. Itu pun tak semestinya ada yang elok. And back to the first sentence of this paragraph, even being tall makes me feel insecure sometimes. Don't ask why because I really don't have any reason to feel that way.

Okay lupakan.

See, those are just regarding studies and physical looks. Tu baru sikit. Belum lagi cakap pasal benda lain. Banyaklah. Semua benda nak insecure. Nak buat something, dah fikir dulu sampai future. Overthinking is another problem here. When you think too much and you can think of 1000 possibilities of bad outcomes, you will go nowhere. You'll stay at the same old spot feeling miserable and useless.

BUT (!) we should not let our insecurities take over our lives. Confidence is silent but insecurities are loud. You know, whenever we feel down and insecurities set in, always reflect back things that make you feel alive. Look at those people who are more unfortunate - those who barely get to eat, those who have no home and shelter, those who are born with defects... Not to feel that we are any superior than them, naudzubillah but to remember that there are people who are battling a tougher fight than us that makes those insecurities nothing compared to their struggle.

They say, those who are content with their lives will always be happy. So every once in a while, every single time you start feeling insecure about anything, start counting your blessings. Even waking up in the morning, having enough oxygen to breath in is already a blessing. I'm not saying that it's going to be an easy thing to do (I still struggle once in a while), let's remind each other, okay?

Overthinking kills happiness.
Insecurities kill self-esteem.
Lies kill trust.


Till then, bye! xx

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